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Coming out as a same-sex couple can be a challenge, even in today’s society. This is especially when you have a child. For some, coming out as a lesbian mom might mean having to face questions that seem patronizing, uncomfortable, or just downright rude. This is something that most gay people go through because while society has accepted the concept of same-sex couples, they have yet to embrace same-sex parenthood.
If you have friends or a family member who has a child and are in a same-sex relationship, you need to do your best to help them feel comfortable. Mentioned below are some insensitive questions that you should avoid asking.
Things a Lesbian Mom Doesn’t Like Being Asked
Here are a few common questions that people tend to ask. While they’re certainly common, they’re definitely not welcome. So whether you’re learning to educate yourself or the people around you, here are a few questions you shouldn’t ask.
1. “Who's The Sperm Donor?”
The moment people see same-sex couples with a child, the first thing they tend to ask is about the sperm donor. While it’s obvious that two female moms will rely on a sperm donor to have a baby, it’s not something that you need to know.
In fact, you shouldn’t be asking in the first place unless she is willing to tell you. It’s a very personal question to ask, and someone’s private matters, especially if they belong to a marginalized community, should never be a topic of discussion.
Same-sex couples spend a lot of time going through the history of the donor and then finally agreeing if they think they found someone suitable. Surely there are a lot of questions on your mind about the sperm donor: what does he look like?
Do you think he has any diseases? How intelligent is he? Well, these questions can be very annoying, especially for someone who had to bear a difficult time before finally experiencing parenthood.
Most of the answers to these sub-questions about the donor are private, and it should stay that way unless the parents bring it up themselves.
2. “Who’s The Biological Mother?”
Asking a lesbian couple about the biological mother may seem like a straightforward question to ask, but in this case, it can be uncomfortable to answer.
For instance, the mother might not be part of the family. Similarly, there could be a possibility that she adopted the child or relief on a surrogate mother.
It’s important that you empathize with her for one second; asking about the biological mother could make her think she isn’t a good fit to be a mom, just because she didn’t give birth to the child.
Being a mom isn’t just about giving birth, but more importantly, how you bring up the child. You should especially avoid this question when they tell you that they are mentally exhausted, as they would feel like they’re actually doing something wrong.
It is a tiring process to find an appropriate surrogate or adopt a child. You may have the best intentions when asking these questions, but it can seriously hurt a mother’s self-esteem when she has to answer them.
3. “Won't your Child be Confused as What to Call You Both?”
There’s nothing wrong with asking a question like this, but you should try out a better way of asking it. You can instead go with “What does your child call each mom?”
People usually do get quite curious as to what the child of a lesbian couple will call each mom. Some partners don’t care what they call them as long as the child is comfortable and feels safe around them.
It won’t be too difficult answering this question, but remember to ask it correctly. Again, a question like this could make them feel uncomfortable. While the situation created is already quite sensitive for lesbian moms in the outside world, rephrasing a question correctly could change that a bit for them.
4. “Is the Father in Your Childs Life?”
It is quite common for complete strangers to ask intrusive questions about a lesbian couple’s family matters, such as this one. Asking if the father is in the child’s life can come off as patronizing- implying the heteronormative notion that interaction with the father is important.
For starters, in many lesbian families, the child’s father isn’t an active figure; it’s just the two moms. If you ask someone for their sperm donor, you don’t expect them to be in your life living with you.
Yes, some couples do allow the child to meet their biological father, but it really depends on the couple and if they want the dad in their life.
There is a big difference between a donor and a parent. In this case, the donor is just an outside party, not a parent who’s concerned about the child’s wellbeing. Asking this question would make moms feel bad about not including the male in their relationship. It would certainly make her feel as if she and her partner’s efforts aren’t enough to raise her child.
Remember, you just need to be happy for them, so stop asking unpleasant questions about the ‘dad’ or the sperm donor.
5. Where is Your Kid From?
When you ask same-sex couples this question, they usually feel like you’re asking them if they adopted the child or not. It could also mean you’re asking them their ethnicity of the child or where their biological roots are from.
If you feel like the child is from a different race, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the couple adopted them from some other country.
This is a very irrelevant question to ask, and it can certainly annoy them, especially when you’re not sure whether one of them is the biological mom. Asking such a question also constantly reminds same-sex couples that the child doesn’t look like them. That’s something they probably already know, so there’s no need to remind them.
6. “Won't Your Child Miss Out On ‘Dad Things’?”
Unfortunately, many people think that teaching your child how to ride a bike or how to play football is a “dad thing.” These activities are heavily stereotyped, and it’s time we get rid of them. Just because certain activities are stereotyped to typically involve fathers doesn’t mean that mom won’t introduce her kids to them.
No parent would want to keep their child from enjoying fulfilling experiences. By asking this question, you’re questioning whether a lesbian mother and her partner are equipped to give their child a fulfilling life. Honestly, no one has the right to do that.
Based on how close you are, you can ask, “Will you miss having a man in the house?” Again, asking such a question to same-sex couples isn’t appropriate, because you’re questioning her ability to raise a son. You’re going to get a very solid answer, which is a no! A lesbian couple can do a great job at raising their kids, and they can do just as good a job as a straight couple, if not better.
7. “Do You Worry About Your Child Getting Teased Because of His Lesbian Moms?”
This is another common question that they hate answering. You don’t know what the future holds. The thing that lesbian moms care more about is how their child is going to take it, and react to the situation, not what others are going to say. Some same-sex parents are worried, while others couldn’t be bothered.
While some kids may tease a child for coming from a same-sex household, awareness is increasing and effectively building a more tolerant generation.
What they are more interested in is how they bring up their kid to be more accepting of people who are different. Asking this question at an early stage of parenthood is only going to stress them out, and start panicking about their child’s future. This is something no parent deserves to go through, and the last thing you want to do is put them in an uncomfortable feeling or situation.
8. “What did you write under the “Father” Section on the Birth Certificate of Your Child?”
This is a kind of a question that no one has the right to ask and shouldn’t be anyone’s business either. But of course, curiosity kills the cat, and sometimes you just want to know! This is a question you should completely avoid asking in the first place.
Many regions in the world don’t offer neutral birth certificates, and this can put a lesbian couple in a very tough spot. You should know that birth certificates don’t have to reflect a child’s biological ties, so you may receive a complex answer. It is best to avoid asking this question and let them get on with their life.
Takeaway
It’s not very common for people to see same-sex couples with a child, but when they do, people tend to ask them questions that can come off as offensive. So if you think you could be that person with all the curiosities, learn to be more appropriate, and try your best to avoid asking the questions mentioned above.
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